Couples Therapy – When Reaching Out Does Not Look Like Reaching Out

One impasse in couples therapy sounds, at first, like a plain contradiction. One partner describes months of effort to stay close. The other describes months of distance. Both accounts are sincere, and in my experience both are usually accurate.

The gap tends to sit in what each person counts as an attempt at closeness. In the Gottman approach these attempts are called bids: small moves toward a partner that ask, quietly, for attention, warmth or company.

Some bids are easy to read. A spoken request to talk, or a plain statement that the day went badly, rarely goes unnoticed. Many others are quieter. A practical question about plans. A link sent in the middle of the workday. An offer to help with a task. Lingering in the kitchen a little longer than needed.

People who learned early that self-reliance earns approval often make the quieter kind. Their reaching out comes as an offer or a fix rather than a request. When those moves go unanswered, they rarely protest. They try less often, and over time a relationship can settle into one person who appears withdrawn while the other feels locked out, each sure the other started it.

Two small adjustments tend to help in the therapy room. The partner who makes quiet bids can attach a few plain words to them, so the intent is visible. The partner receiving them can widen what counts, and start noticing the habits that appear when closeness is wanted but not voiced.

This will not settle every difficulty, and some couples need more structured help. It does often loosen a deadlock that neither person built alone.

I wrote about this at more length in The Good Men Project: He Says He Reached Out. His Partner Says He Didn’t.

Sarah El Nabulsi, M.Sc., M.A., M.A., is a DHA licensed clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Reuter Medical Center, working with adults and couples in Arabic, English and French. More of her writing is at https://www.sarahelnabulsi.com.